Saturday, 25 April 2009

The Basic Story

The Old Testament

In the beginning, there was God... (AKA Russell T Davies - now on referred to as RTD or His Greatness). He, let's face it, is a TRUE GOD and therefore worthy enough to be our God. On fine day in June, when he was bored, he called to Moses (AKA Phil Collinson) in a typical Welsh accent
"I finally finished those 11 commandments I promised you". He said this pretty loud, so Phil heard him, but when he began to recite the commandments, Phil couldn't.
"Well" he thought to himself "I shall just have to climb this nearby mountain to get closer to the god that is RTD so I can learn of these promised commandments" and so, up he climbed to the top of Mount Everest. It was an amusing sight for all those who had never seen Phil try and climb something. He took with him 99 bottles of beer off a nearby wall, and a few packets of biscuits.

Upon reaching the top, Phil discovered to his horror that he had forgotten to take a pen and paper. Cursing himself, he climbed back down, restocking his beer and biscuit supplies while he was at it. When he arrived at the top again, he complimented God on how good he was looking on that particular day. RTD thanked him and then asked if he was ready for the commandments. Upon hearing he was, RTD began to recite:

1. Thou shalt not watch any tv but trashy sitcoms in which everything always works out in the end
2. All men must get designer vaginas. Just for a laugh.
3. Cheese is a must have on ALL Pizzas - no exception
4. Crutons must be in a sentence every day and still make sense
5. Stealing from Pete is a given, that is to say, it is expected
6. Bowing should become a standard greeting
7. All disagreements must be settled by thumb wars
8. The song sang to begin said thumb war is as follows '1 2 3 4, I declare a thumb war, 5 6 7 8 I used this hand to masturbate'
9. Dancing Queen must become an annual christmas carol type song
10. Quiche is to be made the dish of britain and honoured on every possible occasion
and finally
11. Llamas and Emus are sacred animals and should be used as a dress up prop on every available occasion

Phil wrote all these down as neatly as he could (though he did have to ask from number 4 to be repeated and for his greatness to spell disagreements as Phil was being particularly dumb on this day.

Now the world with RTD as God wasn't a perfect one (but it was damn well close). This was all due to Satan aka Steven Moffat aka The Moff, who was pretty mean sometimes and often dressed in black. He became Satan by one day on MSN saying "I think I'd quite like to be Satan today", and His Greatness, being bored of just how perfect this world was, and wanting it to be a lot more dramatic, like that soap he used to write for which is rubbish nowadays as they forgot to hire proper storyline writers, decided to grant The Moff this one gift.

One day, God (aka RTD) bought himself a new remote control Ark. After hours of searching, he couldn't find anywhere suitable enough to test drive it, and so, he decided to flood the world. Thinking about it, he realised that it would result in the death of all the people living there. Having just created the world, he wouldn't be killing that many people, and he didn't really like that many of them anyway. He did, however, decide that he wanted passangers aboard the maiden vogage, so he called upon Mr Noah (aka John Barrowman) and his wife Mrs. Noah (James Marsters). To avoid wiping out all his hard work with the animals he had created he asked that they fill the Ark with 2 of each animal.

Now, Noah aka John Barrowman didn't want any hanky panky aboard the Ark and so he filled it with 2 females of each species. His Greatness, RTD, was irritated slightly by this... clearly Noah didn't understand the concept of sexual reproduction, so he had to sneak on one male of each species. He could not, however, find any male sheep and so Russell T Davies gave sheep the ability to reproduce asexually, which eventually resulted in the large amount of sheep in the world - though most of them choose to inhabit New Zealand due to the fresh green grass and the increasing amount of vegetarians.

When the rain began, John Barrowman got our his knitting and began to knit an oversized jumper. Due to the growing number of sheep he had enough wool to keep knitting until the rain stopped. Mrs Noah, however, began a week long campaign to scare as many animals as he could overboard.

When the flood died down, because RTD had found something better to do than play with an oversized remote control Ark, John Barrowman, James Marsters and the large number of animals began playing swingball on their new front lawn.

The New Testament

Once everyone had settled in to this nice new religion, His Greatness decided to spice things up again by introducing his only child to the world. For this, he needed a (non) virgin whom he could trust and so he called upon the (probably not a)virgin Mary (aka Eve Myles) who gladly accepted the invitation to carry the child of RTD...

And so we come to meet Jesus aka Julie Gardner, who liked to annoy people by turning their water into wine. This became a particularly disasterous game when she attended an A.A. meeting. The leader of the group wasn't impressed and demanded that Jesus aka Julie Gardner be crucified. (probably not a)Virgin Mary aka Eve Myles banged her fist on the table and yelled
"But we don't crucify people anymore... that's so last year" and so that idea was quickly stamped out.

The Moff, however, had other ideas. Ideas which were so foul that they involved throwing crutons at Julie... Julie responded by throwing quiche back at The Moff. This angered RTD who promptly banged their heads together...

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