Monday, 19 October 2009

The Story of David (aka James Moran, aka the artist formally known as Samson) and Solomon (aka Gareth David-Lloyd)

Back in the day, there was huge fighting going on between the Israelites (aka The BBC) and the Philistines(aka ITV). Samson (aka James Moran) decided to change his name to David and with his beautiful gem (aka Jodie Kearns) by his side, life was good. Delilah (aka Joe Lidster) still hung around with them sometimes, but he was pretty busy these days writing things, including marvelous adventures for a certain ex-companion of a man called The Doctor. Anyway, one day David (aka James Moran, aka the artist formally known as Samson) and his beautiful gem (aka Jodie Kearns), were walking through the streets when they bumped into a man in a large costume. He called himself Goliath (aka Paul Kasey). Now, Goliath (aka Paul Kasey) was a nice guy, but today he was really getting into character so he was bullying people and marching about. Confused, David (aka James Moran) confronted him. Goliath (aka Paul Kasey) was not too happy about his method acting being disturbed, and so he pushed David (aka James Moran) to the floor. David (aka James Moran) was not too happy about this, so he pushed him back. Then he realised that a story he'd read earlier was right and that if someone is going around bullying people, 90% of the time, they will have a thorn in their foot.. He helped Goliath (aka Paul Kasey) to get the thorn out of his foot and was declared king by the Israelites (aka The BBC).

Now, today's story doesn't end there, because David (aka James Moran) and his beautiful gem (aka Jodie Kearns) became King and Queen because they kick ass. After they decided that they were bored of being royalty, because frankly, there was no peace to zombie hunt and get drunk, Solomon (aka Gareth David-Lloyd) became king. When he became king, Solomon (aka Gareth David-Lloyd) was a little scared. He wasn't sure he could be a good king, so God (aka RTD) decided to grant him a wish. He appeared to Solomon (aka Gareth David-Lloyd), and said "Hey Solomon (aka Gareth David-Lloyd), I see you seem a little aprehensive about being king, don't worry, I'll help.". Then Solomon (aka Gareth David-Lloyd) turned to God (aka RTD) and thanked him before saying "I just wish to be a wise ruler". God (aka RTD) did not, however, have the power to help Solomon (aka Gareth David-Lloyd) in this way, for he had decided not to go into people's minds and expand them. Instead, he gave him a super computer known as Mr Smith.

Now Solomon (aka Gareth David-Lloyd) and Mr Smith, got along very well. However, one day, two mothers came to Solomon (aka Gareth David-Lloyd). Each carried a baby. The first woman's baby was dead. The second woman's was alive. Each woman claimed the living baby as her own. Solomon (aka Gareth David-Lloyd) did not know what to do, so he approached Mr Smith, who had made himself appear off. Solomon (aka Gareth David-Lloyd) pressed a button upon his key pad and Mr Smith awoke.
"Sorry to wake you, Mr Smith" Solomon (aka Gareth David-Lloyd) said
"Oh you didn't wake me Solomon (aka Gareth David-Lloyd)" Mr Smith told him.
"Oh? What were you doing?" Solomon (aka Gareth David-Lloyd) asked, curiously
"I was on a date with Torchwood's computer" Mr Smith replied, a slightly embarrassed tone to his voice. It's not many computers who go on dates but Mr Smith and Torchwood's Computer are clearly superior to the average computer. Anyway, Solomon (aka Gareth David-Lloyd) told Mr Smith his problem. Mr Smith thought about it for a while, before telling him what to do. To cut a long story short, the first woman got the baby, the second woman got a pie, and Mr Smith got a third date with Torchwood's Computer.

Monday, 13 July 2009

The Story of Samson (aka James Moran)

One day, after the showing of Torchwood: Children of Earth, the people of Earth turned against God (aka RTD), so God (aka RTD) sent ITV to rule over them instead.

And ITV sucked. They cancelled all the best shows and just continued to show reruns of rubbish television shows from the 1970s. It wasn't that God (aka RTD) didn't love his people, they just needed to know what life would be like without him.

Then came the man known as Samson (aka James Moran).

One day, Samson (aka James Moran) was out walking through a grape orchard, probably wanting to make win or something, when he thought he heard something. It sounded like a groan.

Suddenly, a zombie wandered out of the vines, tackling Samson (aka James Moran) to the ground in a fiendish battle between the living and undead. Just then, the power of God (aka RTD) filled Samson (aka James Moran) and he tore the zombie apart.

Now, remember, the people had turned against God (aka RTD) and he had sent ITV to rule over them. Now it was time for God (aka RTD) to send ITV away.

ITV had heard of Samson (aka James Moran) and all the mighty deeds he had done, so they sent a Twitter Army to find him.

The Twitter Army launched their attack on Samson (aka James Moran) and took him to ITV. However, Samson's (aka James Moran's) super strength meant that he couldn't be held for too long and he broke free.

Then ITV decided they needed to find Samson's (aka James Moran's) secret. So they turned to Delilah (aka Joe Lidster) and promised her eleven pieces of silver and the secret of immortal life if she could discover the secret.

So Delilah (aka Joe Lidster) tricked Samson (aka James Moran) into telling her the secret. It turned out that Samson's (aka James Moran's) secret strength lay in the beautiful gem he kept by his side. This beautiful gem (aka Jodie Kearns) was then stolen by ITV and Samson (aka James Moran) became weak and could not fight against the evil of ITV.

What ITV didn't count on, however, was that the beautiful gem (aka Jodie Kearns) could be fierce when protecting her Samson (aka James Moran) and so she developed super powers and beat the hell out of ITV and the evil Twitter Army who had handed Samson (aka James Moran) over in the first place, using her patented Shrieking Leaping Flying Squirrel Manoeuvre.

In the end, all was well. Samson (aka James Moran) was reunited with his beautiful gem (aka Jodie Kearns) and Delilah (aka Joe Lidster) went back to being his 'bitch'. Then they all got drunk, were merry, and went on a zombie hunt.

Sunday, 26 April 2009

The Story of Joseph (aka David Tennant)

Now, back in the olden days, when there was no beer and no TV, and lots of people going crazy due to the lack of such luxury items, there was a man with a coat of many colours. This man, Joseph (aka David Tennant) had been given his coat by his father, because he was his favourite, which is understandable as Joseph (aka David Tennant) is very handsome, and is clearly the best at almost everything he does. However, Joseph (aka David Tennant) didn't get on well with his brothers, as they were jealous because none of them ever won awards, and one day they stole his coat and threw him into a pit before deciding that throwing him in a pit was a bit offensive to the pit in question as no one had asked it if it wished to have people thrown into it. Instead, they sold him to a big scary hairy man who took him to Egypt, where he was sold as a slave.

Now, as much as many of us would love to have Joseph (aka David Tennant) as a slave, RTD didn't particularly like this idea, as he wasn't a supporter of slavery. But Joseph (aka David Tennant) seemed to like his master, Potiphar (aka John Simm), and worked hard for him, until he was thrown in jail when Potiphar's wife (aka Freema Agyeman) tried to seduce him, and, upon failing, told Potiphar (aka John Simm) that Joseph (aka David Tennant) had tried to seduce her, because she sucks.

In jail, Joseph (aka David Tennant) prayed to RTD, and sang a nice little ditty about Closing Every Door. RTD stepped in and told the Pharaoh (aka Burn Gorman) that Joseph could sort out the dreams he'd been having that freaked him out a little, because they involved freaky canibal cows and lots of wheat.

Impressed by Joseph's ability to interpret dreams, as well as his good looks and brilliant acting skills, the Pharaoh made Joseph (aka David Tennant) his second in command, and gave him a sonic screwdriver, even though it hadn't been invented yet.

Saturday, 25 April 2009

The Basic Story

The Old Testament

In the beginning, there was God... (AKA Russell T Davies - now on referred to as RTD or His Greatness). He, let's face it, is a TRUE GOD and therefore worthy enough to be our God. On fine day in June, when he was bored, he called to Moses (AKA Phil Collinson) in a typical Welsh accent
"I finally finished those 11 commandments I promised you". He said this pretty loud, so Phil heard him, but when he began to recite the commandments, Phil couldn't.
"Well" he thought to himself "I shall just have to climb this nearby mountain to get closer to the god that is RTD so I can learn of these promised commandments" and so, up he climbed to the top of Mount Everest. It was an amusing sight for all those who had never seen Phil try and climb something. He took with him 99 bottles of beer off a nearby wall, and a few packets of biscuits.

Upon reaching the top, Phil discovered to his horror that he had forgotten to take a pen and paper. Cursing himself, he climbed back down, restocking his beer and biscuit supplies while he was at it. When he arrived at the top again, he complimented God on how good he was looking on that particular day. RTD thanked him and then asked if he was ready for the commandments. Upon hearing he was, RTD began to recite:

1. Thou shalt not watch any tv but trashy sitcoms in which everything always works out in the end
2. All men must get designer vaginas. Just for a laugh.
3. Cheese is a must have on ALL Pizzas - no exception
4. Crutons must be in a sentence every day and still make sense
5. Stealing from Pete is a given, that is to say, it is expected
6. Bowing should become a standard greeting
7. All disagreements must be settled by thumb wars
8. The song sang to begin said thumb war is as follows '1 2 3 4, I declare a thumb war, 5 6 7 8 I used this hand to masturbate'
9. Dancing Queen must become an annual christmas carol type song
10. Quiche is to be made the dish of britain and honoured on every possible occasion
and finally
11. Llamas and Emus are sacred animals and should be used as a dress up prop on every available occasion

Phil wrote all these down as neatly as he could (though he did have to ask from number 4 to be repeated and for his greatness to spell disagreements as Phil was being particularly dumb on this day.

Now the world with RTD as God wasn't a perfect one (but it was damn well close). This was all due to Satan aka Steven Moffat aka The Moff, who was pretty mean sometimes and often dressed in black. He became Satan by one day on MSN saying "I think I'd quite like to be Satan today", and His Greatness, being bored of just how perfect this world was, and wanting it to be a lot more dramatic, like that soap he used to write for which is rubbish nowadays as they forgot to hire proper storyline writers, decided to grant The Moff this one gift.

One day, God (aka RTD) bought himself a new remote control Ark. After hours of searching, he couldn't find anywhere suitable enough to test drive it, and so, he decided to flood the world. Thinking about it, he realised that it would result in the death of all the people living there. Having just created the world, he wouldn't be killing that many people, and he didn't really like that many of them anyway. He did, however, decide that he wanted passangers aboard the maiden vogage, so he called upon Mr Noah (aka John Barrowman) and his wife Mrs. Noah (James Marsters). To avoid wiping out all his hard work with the animals he had created he asked that they fill the Ark with 2 of each animal.

Now, Noah aka John Barrowman didn't want any hanky panky aboard the Ark and so he filled it with 2 females of each species. His Greatness, RTD, was irritated slightly by this... clearly Noah didn't understand the concept of sexual reproduction, so he had to sneak on one male of each species. He could not, however, find any male sheep and so Russell T Davies gave sheep the ability to reproduce asexually, which eventually resulted in the large amount of sheep in the world - though most of them choose to inhabit New Zealand due to the fresh green grass and the increasing amount of vegetarians.

When the rain began, John Barrowman got our his knitting and began to knit an oversized jumper. Due to the growing number of sheep he had enough wool to keep knitting until the rain stopped. Mrs Noah, however, began a week long campaign to scare as many animals as he could overboard.

When the flood died down, because RTD had found something better to do than play with an oversized remote control Ark, John Barrowman, James Marsters and the large number of animals began playing swingball on their new front lawn.

The New Testament

Once everyone had settled in to this nice new religion, His Greatness decided to spice things up again by introducing his only child to the world. For this, he needed a (non) virgin whom he could trust and so he called upon the (probably not a)virgin Mary (aka Eve Myles) who gladly accepted the invitation to carry the child of RTD...

And so we come to meet Jesus aka Julie Gardner, who liked to annoy people by turning their water into wine. This became a particularly disasterous game when she attended an A.A. meeting. The leader of the group wasn't impressed and demanded that Jesus aka Julie Gardner be crucified. (probably not a)Virgin Mary aka Eve Myles banged her fist on the table and yelled
"But we don't crucify people anymore... that's so last year" and so that idea was quickly stamped out.

The Moff, however, had other ideas. Ideas which were so foul that they involved throwing crutons at Julie... Julie responded by throwing quiche back at The Moff. This angered RTD who promptly banged their heads together...